Dear Mr. Hopkins, I disagree…
Two days ago, a dear friend shared a Whatsapp text which held a message by Hollywood actor, Anthony Hopkins and described it as a “good philosophy.”
My reservations started with the word “philosophy” and was further emboldened when I continued to read the contents of the message. On a very superficial level, all of this sounds like the wisdom of the sages but on a closer look, one realises that this is not how one would like to live a life.
Keeping all of Hopkins’ thoughts in mind, I have countered each part here in italics:
Powerful words by Anthony Hopkins
Countered by Katherine Abraham
′′Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want change.
My thoughts: This is a myth. Letting go of the people you love is the Easiest thing. Love is freedom. If you know deep within that the other person will return to you one day, however long it may take, letting go isn’t difficult AT ALL. And as far as the latter half is concerned, no conversation is a hard conversation if the person on the other side Matters. It could be onerous, it could be deeply demanding and even dissatisfying at times, but it’s worth the while. Conversations have the power to change people, to make Relationships. Silence breaks them.
“Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.
My thoughts: In life there are no coincidences. While it is not in your control who you meet, happenstance and serendipity are just glorified myths. Also, if the person truly matters to you, you stay for them not because they have some ‘interest’ in your presence, because then it is not kindness, it’s business. It is unworthy of us to generalise people’s motives. In my personal capacity if I am doing something for someone it has its roots in my philosophy which is selflessness. Most importantly, we Invest in people, hence “time, energy, mental and physical health” can never be drained or strained. What goes around, comes around. Even Kindness.
“When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn’t mean you need to change what you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren’t ready to accompany you.
I agree with this only partly because I don’t fight for the life of joy, interest and commitment. I enjoy what I have, and try as far as possible not to complain about what I don’t.
“If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don’t do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you.
This is indicative of maintaining a sort of a contractual relationship with everyone. Should I leave those who are unable to reciprocate a financial help rendered or an act of compassion and kindness? Should I leave those who are unkind to me or will only remember me when things go south for them? If this is the way everyone chose to live, then we would all live as isolated islands; independent of each other, bereft of compassion.
“That’s what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.
Reciprocal love is beautiful, desirable and precious, but that kind of love needs you and expects you to wait. Waiting is a sign of commitment.
“The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else.
Relationships are not a Sunday brunch story. If you have mindfully thought about what you are getting into, if you are working out of conviction rather than convenience, then you won’t find the need to contemplate alternative possibilities. But yes, if you are unsure of what the relationship entails, then yes you are wasting time.
There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment.
The only point I agree with fully with the caveat that I may not have to agree with all of them, all the time.
The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.
This is again a very selfish way of living. If you are alive today, you have 24 hours to make a difference to someone’s life. Tomorrow isn’t promised, tomorrow may never come. If in these 24 hours you happen to become a pillow or a hope for someone’s emotional healing, feel privileged because it could be your last day or theirs and you would leave with the knowledge and satisfaction that till the very end you encashed on every opportunity you were given to make a genuine difference.
“Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.
The elements of this part of the argument are self-contradictory. If you don’t try to show up, you don’t try to maintain your end of the relationship or remember to stay in touch, how can you blame ONLY the other for a ruined relationship? How is your ‘reserved’ energy helping You or anyone? For me an excess of reserved energy would lead to unfathomable levels of frustration and angst that I am happy without. How is it helping if you’re always concerned about the outcome instead of enjoying the process? There is a time and place for everything. If people must relegate to the background, they will and you won’t need to move a muscle.
“The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence.
This is an Incomplete thought — Not just when but “Who” you give your time and energy to matters, and defines what you stand for. If as a politician one battles for only the interest of the privileged, it reflects on his need to be latched on to a certain elite class. Concomitantly, if another politician recognises the role of a politician as that of a public servant, while he may have little control of who gets to command his time, his existence is defined as one who is committed to his beliefs.
“When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen.
I’m rarely ever anxious around people and never have I felt that engaging with people has led to a loss of energy.
“You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.
I Disagree. I deplete my energy when I overthink, when I try to define myself on parameters set by a very shallow society through the curiosity of the masses who may or may not have any influence on my life, but want me to adhere to their definition of who I should be, what I should stand for and what I should believe/ or not.
Compatibility is the greatest gamble of all time. And if you focus on just being around people who will always be there for you, you will lead a lonely life. In the quest for supposedly “respecting” yourself a little too much you forget what it’s like to accept the world and all that is within, through the eyes of a child, one that is curious and yet open to all possibilities unreservedly. Acceptance over compatibility is then a far better and safer gamble.
You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It’s not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It’s your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.
And this is the Most selfish life you could ever lead. If you don’t place your trust in people, if you abandon someone who needs you even though they tell you they don’t and if you give up on people, you give up on all the good that you could bring to the world. Isn’t this why may die of depression day after day? Isn’t this the reason why many feel lonely even in a crowd? You will do yourself a great disservice because your talent was only reserved for those who you were “compatible” with.
This life is too short to live on “What ifs” but when you live on conviction you realise that the weak, the neglected and the unworthy are the ones you must give your time and energy to, because long after you’ve transited to the afterlife, it is these unloved, uncared for and unworthy ones whose lives you changed that will keep your memory alive; not your compatible ones who will soon after replace you with the next “Compatible” one!
“Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.
The fallacy here is that you don’t ‘decide’ anything! You meet someone, fall in love, get married immediately. A while later one gives up on the other and you part ways. You meet someone, you become best friends. Years later you marry different individuals. Again you part ways. You give birth to a baby, you nurture, love and care for them. Years later he/she gets married and starts a family of his/her own. Again, you part ways. You fall in love again, years later, this time it’s here to stay and then one day, death comes calling and you Must Part ways because one of you has unfinished business left on the earth.
No one is permanent in your life. Expecting true love, permanent friendships, compatibility and so on, is just you chasing an unreasonable line of thought. The only panacea is to remember, You have 24 hours to live. You woke up this morning. Your job is still unfinished. You give time to those who come a knockin’, you break bread with those destined to share your table, you part ways with those who wish to leave and you wish them well knowing that tomorrow is not guaranteed. You do your best, you give yourself the Time you Owe yourself. You recognise that the time spent in self-growth is not just to satisfy a spouse’s concern on your weight gain/loss, your parent’s concern on whether you did the right thing or not or a child’s worry on whether you will be there for them or not.
Instead of wasting your time on finding the right people you invest time becoming the right person. You indulge in maintaining a sacred hour each day in which you connect with yourself on a deeper level, a place where neither mother, father, brother or sister, son or daughter may enter. It is this sacred space that will enable you to expand your dimensions of thought, belief, faith, hope and love.
For all of this to happen you must learn to place a firm trust in yourself.
END.
I cannot and will not say that my understanding of life is better than Mr. Hopkins. Each of us has our own belief and value systems, and we all come from our own place of knowing. Our experiences are different and hence to randomly look at well-crafted words and turn it into a philosophy is quite incorrect.
Of course, you as my reader have every right to disagree with what I say. And that will be you speaking from your limited understanding. Here is the thing, you too are right!
